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Finding Good Imployees

Before you think we have lost it, can't spell and don't know how to find a spell checker, this LegalBrief is about humorous errors contained in real resumes, cover letters and performance evaluations. Some of them are very funny.

Read the statements that were originally printed in the July 21, 2002 issue of "Fortune" magazine and laugh along with the rest of us. Then ask yourself if you could have employees like this working for you.

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To celebrate this milestone, we are doing two things. First, I am injecting a little humor into this 50th issue.

Second, we are making a collection of the 50 LegalBriefs available for free to all LegalBrief subscribers. If you do not have each of the 50 issues, if you cannot find each of the 50 issues or if you would like to have each of the 50 issues in one convenient location, then simply reply to this email and Stephanie will send you a Word document with each of the 50 LegalBriefs, complete with Table of Contents.

Lessons to be Learned
As you read the humorous statements printed by "Fortune" magazine, remember these were made by employees attempting to put their best foot forward. Are your employees making similar mistakes when representing your organization?

Laugh at the errors but remember, you need to develop strategies to prevent your employees from making mistakes that could embarrass your organization, lose a sale or even subject you to liability.

These are taken from real Resumes and Cover Letters, and were printed in the July 21, 2002 issue of "Fortune" magazine:

1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet pogroms."

2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."

3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."

4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."

5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."

6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."

7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."

8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."

9. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

10. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."

11. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

12. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."

13. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in Meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

14. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."

15. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."

16. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chainstore."

17. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

18. "Marital status: often. Children: various."

19. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."

20. "Finished eighth in class of ten."

21. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

These quotes were taken from actual Performance Evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of definitely won't be."

4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far and the sooner she starts, the better."

These lines are actual statements from Military Performance Appraisals:

1. "Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."

2. "A room temperature IQ."

3. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

4. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

5. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

6. "Bright as Alaska in December."

7. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

8. "He's so dense, light bends around him."

9. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

10. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

Be careful who you hire!!!

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